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Without You

Warning: contains sensitive material that may cause water droplets to fall from your eyes. This post is not for the faint of heart. Read at your own risk of an emotional tug at your heartstrings.

“Without You”, by Harmony Lawton.

I picked up my phone today to send you a text about what’s going on in my life. It seemed so natural to want to tell you. So many changes that I want you to know about. I’m so used to asking your advice and hearing your insight.

Then I realized, I can’t text you. You won’t read it. You’re not here anymore. You’re gone. You’re not just a phone call or text message away. You’ve left me for another world. Why did you leave me? I still need you. I know that your spirit is still here with me, but it’s not the same. I can’t see you, hear you, or hug you.

It makes sense that you’re in Heaven, because I feel like I’m in hell. Trapped beneath the weight of my sadness, I can’t see the light. There’s a heaviness to my soul that has me stuck. I don’t know the way forward without you here.

You are my sister, and we are supposed to do everything together. I feel abandoned, cheated, and robbed of a life with you.

We were just starting to get along! After all these years of you annoying me as my little sister, I finally started to like you, and then cancer took you from me. I hate cancer. It is a thief. It ruins families. It takes away all hope. You are my little sister and I couldn’t even protect you or rescue you. You were literally snatched out of my hands and I’m not okay with that. Not one bit. I may come to understand it as time goes by, but I will never be okay with it.

Without you, our family seems so small, so quiet, so boring. You were the laughter, the energy, and the entertainment. You were the glue that held our family together. You never knew what a vital role you played in our family and how easy you made it for all of us to be together. Your endless efforts brought us together as a family, and now we’re all falling apart.

The pain is too great most days. I feel like I’m sleepwalking, just waiting to wake up and realize this was all a bad dream. But each day is the same, and even though it’s only been two months since cancer robbed us of your presence, the ache in my heart grows. It doesn’t get easier. It gets harder. I miss you. Please come back to me. You’re my one phone call.

Who’s going to bail me out of jail now that you’re gone? Who’s going to wave a ridiculously large banner at my kids graduations? Who’s going to make your sweet potato and marshmallow dish at Thanksgiving? Who’s going to send me a card with so many spelling errors that it makes me giggle? Who’s going to watch 90’s cheesy animation and Drew Barrymore movies with me? Who is going to staple my birthday presents together because you couldn’t find tape?

I love you, but I am mad at you for leaving me so soon. I don’t want to do this life without you. You left me so fast and without warning, that I wasn’t able to find closure … were you able to, or did cancer take you out before you even realized what was happening?

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