They say there are no words to express the grief we feel after the tragic loss of a loved one, but the truth is there are actually too many words. And they are all jumbled. When I try to speak my grief, it sounds like a foreign language. Nothing comes out right. Not even the choicest of words can express the sadness in my heart. The pain is too deep and the words too many to properly vocalize what I’m feeling.
I’ve learned that grief doesn’t have to be understood, it just needs to be spoken. We live in a culture that allows us to speak our truth. Truth being the KEY word here. For those of you that know what we really experienced, you understand. And if you don’t know the truth, and want to know, give me a call. So anyhow, read on, dear one, and you will see. This is 7 months of grief unexpressed, so bear with me.
Shock. Overwhelm. Disbelief. Anger. Loss. Why us? Why her? Trauma. Hospital visits. Treatments. Medications. Food. Nausea. Uncomfortable. Rollercoaster. Undeserving. Not fair. Shyra. Good. Kind. Generous. Sister. Best friend. Daughter. Auntie. Niece. Wife. Imagine. Hope. Empathy. Rage. Death. Darkness. Depression.
Situation. Lying. Hiding. Scheming. Slander. Secrets. Shame. Untruth. A family divided. Dissension. Theft. Shyra. Abused. Bruised. Manipulated. Naive. Scarred. Experience. Neglect. Two-faced. Up. Down. Unpredictable. Pushy. Forceful. Threats. Yelling. Façade. Spying. Recording. Refusing responsibility. Illegal. Hacking. Actions matter. Define. Character. Time. Wasted.
Shyra. Angel. Stuck. Fighting. Determined. Tired. Hopeless. Weak. Taken advantage of. Fairy-tale “marriage”. Image of perfection. Pain behind closed doors. Romantic at heart. Strong-willed. Shyra. No time. Cancer. Rapid spread. Too fast. Too heavy. Too much. Welcomed. Loved. Supported. Him. Ulterior motive. Agenda. Self-serving. Greedy. Pretending. Spending. Schmoozing. Spain. Smearing. Empty. Fearful. Broken-hearted. Lost. Without her. We know.
Me. Exhausted. Traumatized. Nightmares. Sleepless. Lonely. Quiet. Relief. Echo. Justice. Pity. Disgrace. Husband. Forgave. Allowed. Trusted. Ignorant. Wolf. Arrogant. Evasive. Controlling. Powerless. False security. Shyra. Truth. Love. Peace. Faith. Compassion. Happy. Sunshine. Bubbles. Giggles. Smiley. Fun. Spirited. Cheerful. Shyra. Sudden. Loss. Tragedy. Death. Pneumonia. Heart failure. Beaten down. Set free. Eternal. Spirit. Comfort.
Us. Battered. Broken. Shattered. Shaken. Restless. Unable to grieve. Overwhelmed. Anguish. Tormented. Shyra’s memory. Disrespected. Deserving better. Bold. Brave. Belief. Buried. Truth. Ashes. Dust. Vacant. No more lies. Vengeance. Remorse. Repentance. Regrets. Should have. Would have. Didn’t. Waited. Silent. Stepped on. Crushed. Perplexed. Awaken. Vigilant. For Shyra. Honor. Light. Activity. Voice. Speak up. Expose. Recover. Process. Empathy. Help. Bandage. Heal. Move forward. Protect. Family. Future. Forgiveness. Memories.
I miss you, Shyra. Merry Christmas from your family & friends here on earth who freakin’ miss you and don’t know how to do the holidays without you. Do you miss us? What is Christmas like in your world now?
I envy the heavenlies. They get YOU this Christmas, and that is the greatest gift. Heaven will never be the same, now that you’re there. I imagine you decorated trees on every street corner, hung garland on every lamp post. You’re probably handing out hot chocolate with marshmallows, while sipping eggnog through a twirly straw. I’m pretty sure you turned the Christmas music up a notch and I can totally picture you walking around in an elf costume shouting Merry Christmas to all the angels.
I also imagine you rounding up all our family members who have gone there before and after you, and you’re insisting they all participate in a White Elephant game. You wanted to be the first to start this tradition in Heaven. Imagine that, teaching the angels how to steal! 😂Your Christmas cheer alone is probably what keeps all the stars shining. Shine a little down here for us, ok? We need some of your cheer to make it through.